Every Night I Drown and Every Morning I Wake Up Struggling to Breathe

I finished The Forest of Hands and Teeth series by Carrie Ryan almost four years ago, but I felt myself drawn to it once again.

We all know the story, or at the very least you can go back in the tags and check my original posting. I have only finished rereading the first in the series, but in my last entry regarding the novels, I left out a few important pieces to Mary's story.

Mary, Gabry, and Annah are all strong female characters with choices to make, and each of them are trapped in a world with the diseased, the Unconsecrated, the living dead. Of course the story begins with Mary- her village is breached by the zombie hoards, so she and her small group escape with hopes of another world on the outside. However, I could not help but get frustrated with Mary.

Her mother chose the Unconsecrated in order to be reunited with her father. Immediately upon returning to the house, Mary's brother, Jed, refuses to welcome her back into their home partly because his wife has just miscarried, but also because he blames Mary for their mother's death. Mary is tossed into the life of the Sisterhood because no one claims her. She experiences rejection from all sides; the love of her life, Travis: who has claimed her best friend, her mother: who chose death and the unliving rather than her own daughter, and now her brother. The reader can't help but feel such sorrow for this young woman. She is forced into the Sisterhood, where she does not belong, but this is the only choice she can make for herself.

Travis is then hurt, barely alive, so he stays with the Sisters until he heals. Mary goes to his bedside each night, and her love for him intensifies. Even better, Travis believes in the ocean and the world Mary longs for. He feels it too. When he heals, there is more rejection for Mary when Travis is not the one to come back and claim her, but his brother Harry.
The story continues as the Unconsecrated breach the fence, their village is all taken by the undead, and Mary is forced down the forest path with Harry, Travis, her best friend Cass, a young boy, Jacob, and her brother and his wife. The more rejection the reader feels in Mary's heart, the more she retaliates. Her personality is fierce, unflinching, and this is what makes her a strong heroine.

However,  finally Mary gets her wish. She and Travis are trapped together, while the others are safe on the platforms of another village. Although trapped, and Travis's leg makes it impossible for him to follow quickly, Mary and Travis are together in a house where they can be alone. This is what she wanted; she wanted him to choose her, yet there is something missing. The ocean, her escape, is always on her mind. Maybe it's just me, but I can't help but think why can't he be enough? Was the rejection he caused her too much? Or was he just never going to be enough for her? At the beginning she longed for him, waiting for him, saw a life with him; yet she finally gets that chance and it's lost on her ultimate goal.
Even at the end of the story (be advised this is a spoiler)- she loses everything. Travis is dead, Harry/Cass/ and Jacob have taken a separate path, and her brother also falls to her dreams of the ocean. In the end she makes it, but at what cost?

I think this frustrated me the most about Mary because it was difficult to understand her reasoning. Was the constant rejection the reason for her desire to push away? Travis and Harry both had such intense loves for her, and I understand her holding back with Harry, but she had Travis- this was what she wanted. But even in the end Travis asked "Would you ever give up the ocean for me?" It's almost like he knew he would never be enough. 
Again, I have not revisited the other two novels, but I found Mary's constant hope and desire for something better frustrating. Maybe it's because of the three main characters, I can't really connect emotionally to Mary's story. Sure she went through stages of rejection, but when things began to work her way, she still could not see that as enough. She put people in danger, but worst of all, it seems she broke a few people's hearts because they knew she had an untamed soul that love and family could not calm. Maybe that frustrated me more; knowing that she could have a happy life where she could have everything she wanted, but it was never going to be enough to make her fully happy.
In the end, I fell back in love with the series and find myself going head first into the post apocalyptic world Ryan has created. This is one of the best series I have come across- her writing is lyrical and weaves a fantastic tale, but the story itself provides raw emotion, survival, and love that all three females are so desperate to find.

We'll Pull Out These Memories...and They'll Make Us Feel Safe

The Impossible Knife of Memory by Laurie Halse Anderson expresses a fresh take on a common mental illness. Most of Anderson's novels reflect realistic issues; this one, however, drives away from direct teenager problem and the focus is how mental illness affects life as a whole.

Hayley and her father have been on the road for years. After he returned from the war, her father was deeply affected with post traumatic stress; therefore driving from state to state and desperately trying trying to find enough money to pay for food became a way of life. However, senior year was when Hayley's father chose to settle in his mother's old house. Despite Hayley's attempts to get them on track, her father continues to go in and out of an alcoholic state, and the adjustment to public school is not an easy road.

As her story continues, Hayley is affected by the memory of her childhood; her father's absence, her step mother's alcoholism, her grandmother's loving touch and care. Her father slowly begins to spin further out of control; between his alcoholism, recreational drug use, and inconsistent temper its no wonder her life is a complete tornado.
When Hayley meets Finn, a charming swimmer from school, she tries to put a wall up to avoid anyone getting too close to her. The more time she spends with him, however, the more she realizes the two aren't so different. But her happiness seems to be a sham because she realizes her life will never be the picture perfect dream she could ever hope for.

The concept of Anderson's novels usually reflect a teen who needs to find their way. Her father's mental illness continues to affect Hayley to a point where she cannot even consider her own future without worrying she'll be leaving her father in a state of depression and despair. Her past troubles resurface, but it isn't until she begins to accept and move forward that she realizes life is hers to live.
This novel goes inside the brain of a past veteran, but also shows how one can accept and live with the memories too painful to forget. Finn's character provides comic relief, but he also serves as an anchor that Hayey desperately needs. His life is no happily ever after either, and the more she finds out, the more she is able to open up and take down the wall she has surrounding her.

I honestly believe this book will give readers, especially young adults, a new view on post traumatic stress. It's something heard about, but never truly understood. And although the veterans are the ones who suffer internally, the impact it has on a family, however broken they are, is devastating.

I Realize Now that Dying is Easy. Living is Hard...

It has been a while, but crappy freshmen essays seemed to be holding me back from reading. *Gasp* I know, an English teacher who has too many essays to grade. Crazy.

This was one of those independent reading books that all the girls read and loved, so of course, it was my turn. And luckily, I didn't get swept up in the movie craze so I was able to read the book first. I have to admit If I Stay by Gayle Forman took me a while simply because of how sad it was. I was going through an emotional period of time, and I knew that if I read this book at a steady pace, I would be bawling.  

Mia Hall is a senior in high school with a loving family, a wonderful and supportive boyfriend, and a promising future. She applied to the Julliard music program for the cello, and all signs point to acceptance. Her boyfriend, Adam, has a band that is just beginning to take off, and her family is picture perfect. Then tragedy strikes. Mia and her family are in a car accident; She finds herself watching the events to follow from the sidelines, literally, and realizes she is at the in-between stage. She isn't dead yet; this is the choice she must make.

This novel is full of flash backs of Mia's past, her worries about the future with Adam and her choice to attend the music school in New York, and her family. Mia has lost her family, this much she knows, but her decision to stay on earth with whatever she has left is a struggle. Everything tells her to give in and let go, but there are still things she is desperately trying to hold onto.

The novel gives a new meaning to the idea of strength. Mia is a teenager who has lost everything she knew, yet she has to make the decision to hang on in hopes of being strong, or to let go in hopes that she and the rest of her friends and family can move on.

Every turn of the page was full of emotion. Forman made so many references to music- classical, rock, punk- so it made it even more interesting. I mean who doesn't like a Nirvana "Something in the Way" reference?
This was a great read; sad and very emotional, but worth it. Mia's strength, her character, and everything that surrounds her makes her choice harder, but she shows us that choice is exactly what everyone has.