You can’t go back to how things were. How you thought they were. All you really have . . . is now

I read Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher years ago, but I had an urge to revisit it. Honestly, it still held the same impact.

Hannah Baker commits suicide, and only a few weeks later Clay Jensen receives a package in the mail. This shoe box full of tapes will soon reveal the full story Hannah has left behind, and these tapes will change his life.

Before Hannah dies, she records herself reflecting on the thirteen reasons that lead to her inevitable downfall. Each tape has two stories, each story targets a different person and their actions, and each story is just a small piece that leads to her ultimate death.
Clay continues to listen to Hannah's stories, and he continues to wonder where he fits into this puzzle. He had a crush on her, he wanted to be with her, so how can he possibly be a reason leading to her demise? But the more he listens, the more he realizes that each person mentioned on the tape had something to hide, and each one of them should be utterly ashamed for their actions. However, not one of them realized their misstep would be piling up into the dark depths of Hannah's life.
Hannah's story goes through awful rumors, horrible jokes, and ghastly experiences that built up to such a boiling point, Hannah saw no way out. The more Clay listens, the more he realizes the signs were there, but everyone failed her. The tapes are reminders to him and every person who was sent this box of cassettes, that even the smallest actions have consequences; some that you are unable to see.

This novel truly sticks with you. Hannah's voice is so prominent throughout, and you almost feel like you want to try to help her too. But when everyone lets her down, her depression seems to worsen. It goes to show that even a tiny action, positive or negative, has an affect on people. Sometimes, it has a deeper affect than we would like to know.At the end of the novel, we as readers are hopeful that things will change. Clay reaches out to a fellow classmate, and we can assume this is how the tapes will leave their positive influence.

Hannah's story is not much different than a lot of students in the world today; and I think that was what left the biggest impact on me. We don't realize the impact of words, and we don't realize that everyone's "bad day" is different. I recommend this one to all my students because it is important, especially in today's society, that they be aware that every thing they do has an impact of some kind. It could be small, but even a tiny good deed always means something to someone. If Hannah's tragedy teaches readers anything, it is to always find the good because sometimes that good really can bring change and acceptance.

We'll Pull Out These Memories...and They'll Make Us Feel Safe

The Impossible Knife of Memory by Laurie Halse Anderson expresses a fresh take on a common mental illness. Most of Anderson's novels reflect realistic issues; this one, however, drives away from direct teenager problem and the focus is how mental illness affects life as a whole.

Hayley and her father have been on the road for years. After he returned from the war, her father was deeply affected with post traumatic stress; therefore driving from state to state and desperately trying trying to find enough money to pay for food became a way of life. However, senior year was when Hayley's father chose to settle in his mother's old house. Despite Hayley's attempts to get them on track, her father continues to go in and out of an alcoholic state, and the adjustment to public school is not an easy road.

As her story continues, Hayley is affected by the memory of her childhood; her father's absence, her step mother's alcoholism, her grandmother's loving touch and care. Her father slowly begins to spin further out of control; between his alcoholism, recreational drug use, and inconsistent temper its no wonder her life is a complete tornado.
When Hayley meets Finn, a charming swimmer from school, she tries to put a wall up to avoid anyone getting too close to her. The more time she spends with him, however, the more she realizes the two aren't so different. But her happiness seems to be a sham because she realizes her life will never be the picture perfect dream she could ever hope for.

The concept of Anderson's novels usually reflect a teen who needs to find their way. Her father's mental illness continues to affect Hayley to a point where she cannot even consider her own future without worrying she'll be leaving her father in a state of depression and despair. Her past troubles resurface, but it isn't until she begins to accept and move forward that she realizes life is hers to live.
This novel goes inside the brain of a past veteran, but also shows how one can accept and live with the memories too painful to forget. Finn's character provides comic relief, but he also serves as an anchor that Hayey desperately needs. His life is no happily ever after either, and the more she finds out, the more she is able to open up and take down the wall she has surrounding her.

I honestly believe this book will give readers, especially young adults, a new view on post traumatic stress. It's something heard about, but never truly understood. And although the veterans are the ones who suffer internally, the impact it has on a family, however broken they are, is devastating.

The End of Innocence

I should be ashamed because I had never fully read Lord of the Flies by William Golding. I also don't teacher British Literature, so I never had to return to this classic novel. Recently, a few co workers and I took a field trip with a handful of kids to see Lord of the Flies being performed by high school students. After that, I had to read it.

The story starts with a group of boys ending up on a deserted island after experiencing a plane crash. All the boys find each other, and soon, because they're English, which implies apparently they are best at everything according to Jack Merridew, they decide to set up rules and elect a chief in charge of the rules and affairs; at least until they are rescued.

Ralph is elected, and although all seemed well, it isn't as easy as it seems. The littluns, or small kids, find it hard to follow the rules because their attention spans are small, but also they are too weak to build shelter and hunt for food. Meanwhile Jack and his group of hunters are obsessed with finding the pigs on the island to hunt, stab, and kill so they can claim their prize and prove their strength. Boys start to wander away, others lose interest in Ralph and Piggy's wise words, but the two try desperately to keep everyone together and civilized.

Slowly, Jack and his hunters become more and more obsessed with revenge and power, which leads into their savage ways. Ralph attempts to pull them back, but then the struggle begins. Jack and Ralph are at odds on who the proper chief should be, Piggy and the rest of the boys choose their sides and are then separated, on top of this- the boys claim they have seen a beast on the island, which could lead to their demise. 

The novel shows human nature at its finest. We are prone to become savage especially when it comes to control, power, and survival. We panic when there are no "rules", but even when there are not everyone follows and agrees. And it seems someone will always be jealous of the power some hold. It is truly the loss of innocence. The best intentions often lead to a disaster, and it is no different here. It goes to show how much faith Golding had in the human race, but also how quickly we can go from being civilized to becoming savage and full of raw emotion.

Great classic novel, and it is probably the ONLY reason I would want to teach British Lit. in the future. Definitely worth a read if you "missed" this one in high school. Worth it to see the journey of these young boys, how they do fair at surviving, but it's truly interesting to witness how they become too far gone that it is hard to come back.

I Realize Now that Dying is Easy. Living is Hard...

It has been a while, but crappy freshmen essays seemed to be holding me back from reading. *Gasp* I know, an English teacher who has too many essays to grade. Crazy.

This was one of those independent reading books that all the girls read and loved, so of course, it was my turn. And luckily, I didn't get swept up in the movie craze so I was able to read the book first. I have to admit If I Stay by Gayle Forman took me a while simply because of how sad it was. I was going through an emotional period of time, and I knew that if I read this book at a steady pace, I would be bawling.  

Mia Hall is a senior in high school with a loving family, a wonderful and supportive boyfriend, and a promising future. She applied to the Julliard music program for the cello, and all signs point to acceptance. Her boyfriend, Adam, has a band that is just beginning to take off, and her family is picture perfect. Then tragedy strikes. Mia and her family are in a car accident; She finds herself watching the events to follow from the sidelines, literally, and realizes she is at the in-between stage. She isn't dead yet; this is the choice she must make.

This novel is full of flash backs of Mia's past, her worries about the future with Adam and her choice to attend the music school in New York, and her family. Mia has lost her family, this much she knows, but her decision to stay on earth with whatever she has left is a struggle. Everything tells her to give in and let go, but there are still things she is desperately trying to hold onto.

The novel gives a new meaning to the idea of strength. Mia is a teenager who has lost everything she knew, yet she has to make the decision to hang on in hopes of being strong, or to let go in hopes that she and the rest of her friends and family can move on.

Every turn of the page was full of emotion. Forman made so many references to music- classical, rock, punk- so it made it even more interesting. I mean who doesn't like a Nirvana "Something in the Way" reference?
This was a great read; sad and very emotional, but worth it. Mia's strength, her character, and everything that surrounds her makes her choice harder, but she shows us that choice is exactly what everyone has.

There Is No Peace for the Wicked

Columbine by Dave Cullen was one of those books I was told educator's needed to read. I am usually not too crazy into non-fiction, which I feel I mentioned once before, but this one seemed different. I began my new job in a high school in CT in 2012, the same year the Sandy Hook Tragedy occurred.

School shootings have always been a hot topic, even before the tragedy in Columbine, but this was the one that shook the world. I remember being in middle school and being scared; this was the first time we as kids realized school was no longer a safe place. It took a part of our childhoods away because this was real, and we had to face that. I think that is why this shooting had such a huge impact. In reality, the Virgina Tech Shooting in 2007 took more lives and for more reasons unknown, but this one, Columbine, seemed to hit a nerve. After reading Cullen's book, I understand why.

Cullen takes the reader through the events of the shooting and all the way to ten years later. The parts regarding the shooting were expected: disturbing, sick, and hard to swallow. But, it also shows these two boys on another scale. The media, the police force, and the FBI were unsure how to handle this tragedy, so a lot of mistakes were made.

The warning signs were there for a year before the tragedy, the boys both had files on them, but no one even filed the reports. These two boys were troubled, but it was amazing how the media twisted the story into a fight against bullying, music, television, and anything else they seemed would fit. The boys were painted as loners, when in reality they were well liked; the fact that they were involved in this was a shock for their immediate family and friends. They warped details of what happened in the library to Cassie Bernall because it fit into the church's agenda and it was a better story than what the truth showed. The educator who was killed had a chance to live; the SWAT team took their time entering the building and despite the written warning out the science lab window, they still didn't get him out in time.

So many "facts" that were presented that April 20th were too quickly released; and once released it was next to impossible to pull them back. I think that's why I found this book so interesting; it made me mad to realize we, as a nation, were duped. We were led to believe this incident happened because of outlying issues, we were made to believe in heroes that did not entirely exist, and lives could have easily been saved if they were better prepared.

Cullen's piece weaves a story of the killers: two troubled boys who you can't help but feel a little sorry for. They murdered 13 people that day and this is a tragedy, but another tragedy is why they chose this as an out. Their families were left behind to pick up the pieces and dodge the hateful stares that often come along with being related to the killers. Cullen also expressed actual interviews and inspirational stories of the survivors. Most of these students, teachers, families are strong and remained strong throughout the entire tragic event. It was heartwarming to hear that these kids, the ones who went through this tragedy, might be the ones who are the most forgiving.

Columbine is an eye opening, to say the least. It shows the carelessness of the law enforcement, and it also shows how important it is to report incidents as they come. Although, files could go "missing" depending on the efficiency of the police. This story truly made me sad and angry. Sad because this hits close to home, being an educator. I can see anger and hate in my students, but never to that degree. I know I would try to keep them safe; to tell them I loved them, just like their Principal. I was angry because it could have been prevented. The boys had histories of violence, anger, and arrests; why was no one paying attention? Why did 13 people have to die that day?

I do recommend the book, and I do understand why educators should be aware of it too. We are in a profession that now is dangerous. Now, we see schools as a place where we need to try our best to stay safe because they aren't safe havens any longer. If this tragedy taught us anything, it is that we need to be more cautious. More laws are in place, police are better trained for these situations, and teachers are more aware. I know I always have a plan b in case locking down doesn't seem like an accurate means of escape.

It will break your heart, make you cry, but it will show there is some goodness; even if that goodness only lies in those most affected.

All Those Who Wander Are Not Lost...

I am an English teacher and never fully was able to finish the Lord of the Rings Trilogy by J.R.R Tolkien. I know, I am a disgrace.

The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies was coming out in theaters and because I am a huge fan of the movies, I decided this was as good a time as any to pick up the series again. I started with The Hobbit years ago, but I was not fully convinced. To be fair, I did not give it much of a chance. Once the movie craze came out, I knew I had to reconsider. There is no way the movies could be so amazing the books were not.

So the journey from the Shire to Mordor began. Everyone knows the story; there is one ring to rule them all, Bilbo passes the ring to Frodo, his nephew, who now has to go on this journey to destroy it. Frodo's journey takes him out of the comforts of the Shire and into the deep unknown. Frodo and his fellow hobbits (Pippin, Merry, and Sam) encounter the Elves in Rivendale and are joined by Aragorn, Boromir, Gandalf the Grey, Gimli, and Legolas. They are dubbed "The Fellowship" and all nine begin their perilous journey to the depths of disaster. The goal is to destroy the ring so Sauron's power ends so his armies are stopped, and all of Middle Earth is at peace again.

Tolkien is arguably the best fantasy writer of all time. He created a world, not just an idea. This world is filled with different species, languages, geographical regions, and everything just fits so perfectly together. He weaves a story of adventure, survival, and courage.

Although I am not fond of Frodo's character, the rest of his company make up for his incompetence. Sam is one of the best friends anyone could ask for. Not only does he force himself on this journey because he longs to support his best friend, Sam proves his own bravery when all else fails. All of the characters find their own piece of courage, and yet some are tainted and overcome by the ring's force. Once "The Fellowship" disbands at the end of the first novel, the fight for Middle Earth truly begins, and it's filled with death, strength, fear, and love.
The novel does take time to go through, so this is by no means a quick read. His story and description take time and are meant to engross the reader into his world. I think that's why it took a while for me to get back into these novels. But, when you are having a rough day, these books are the perfect way to step in a realm of magic.
And yes, despite Hollywood forgetting to include certain pieces of the novels into the movies, they are extremely well done. And I truly think that Tolkien would be impressed with their masterpiece and the amount of joy they bring to viewers. I can honestly say whenever I am sad, I immediately turn to these movies for comfort. Worth the read, worth watching, and definitely a masterpiece all around.

Down The Rabbit Hole...Again

Unhinged by A.G Howard is a continuation of the Splintered trilogy. I have to be honest, I read this one fairly quickly and not because it was a "I can't put this book down" kind of thing. If I put the book down, I was afraid I wouldn't want to get back into it.

Let me explain...The book was not horrible, in fact I did like it. However, it has so many complex things happening that it's easy to forget what the heck is going on. Yes, Wonderland is one of those things that is supposed to be crazy and confusing, but it's difficult to keep up. I read the first book last year, and I never returned to it before picking up this one. So there were some things I forgot, and apparently these things resurface in the second one.

Alyssa has been crowned Queen Of Wonderland, which has suppressed the Red Queen's (Red's) power for now. The problem is Jeb, Alyssa's boyfriend, does not remember his courageous actions, or anything for that matter, from their last trip to Wonderland. Almost a year has passed and Alyssa doesn't want to bring back those memories, afraid he won't accept her and the world she came from.

But Morpheus, Alyssa's long time friend from Wonderland, reappears with startling news: Red has found a way into the human realm, and she plans to destroy those dear to Alyssa. She is back for her crown, and only Alyssa, the true Queen of Wonderland can fight back. But Morpheus's constant treats make it clear that this fight is not easily won, and it could be life or death. Alyssa must make the choice she dreaded: take her place and fight back in Wonderland, or stay with Jeb, her parents, and push her netherling past away.

My one suggestion for this book is to read the first one right before it. A lot of plot points can be better explained. The love triangle between Morpheus Alyssa and Jeb is so powerful. Jeb is the white knight that vows to stay by Alyssa despite the tension, and Morpheus is the mythological creature that foresees a future with her and he doesn't always play fair.
 The book left us with a great cliff hanger in hopes for a happy, or somewhat happy, ending. You root for Jeb because he is the wounded bad boy who would do anything for her, yet Alyssa has a netherling magic inside her that she can't escape.
I look forward to the 3rd one, I just have to recap before I start reading it...